[1] What is your last name?
Duarte.

[2] What color is your mailbox?
Err...white?

[3] Are you available?
Yep.

[4] Who was your last kiss?
Moke, my golden retriever.

[5] Do you have to drive over a bridge to get home?
Nope, but I do have to drive under one!

[6] Are you taller than your mom?
By a lot.

[7] What curse do you say the most when your pissed?
One that you're not likely to get me to say here. O.o;;

[8] Are you God?
Not even close.

[9] What do you do to get over a broken heart?
Cry a little, whine a little, then eat chocolate and read books about dragons and get over it.

[10] Do you enjoy writing in colored pens?
I don't like writing in pen. At all.

[11] Does anything hurt on your body right now?
Not particularly.

[12] Do you often cry during a movie?
Like a baby.

[13] Last text message you recieved?
Dunno.

[14] Who sent it?
Probably Annette. <3

[15] Do you hate your life?
Nah. Tried that. It got boring.

[16] Do you get mad easily?
Yes. Yes I do.

[17] Do you drink?
Nope.

[18] What is your biggest pet peeve?
Improper grammar. And people who don't use turn signals while driving.

[19] Are you cold?
Nooo, I'm pleasantly warm!

[20] Do any of your friends have kids?
If you count former co-workers as friends...yes.

[21] Do you know anyone that is pregnant right now?
I don't think so.

[22] Who should pay on the first date?
The guy, of course.

[23] How many years older than you are you willing to date?
Well, the oldest I actually HAVE dated was 17 years older than me... And it was confirmed to be a bad idea. My answer is significantly lower now.

[24] Do you have any friends?
...

[25] Do you have any mean friends?
"Mean friends" is a big of an oxymoron, don't you think?

[26]What is the ugliest color in your opinion?
Pink.

[27] Have you ever liked someone who all your friends couldn't stand?
Yeah, but their distaste was justified. See #23.

[28] Have you ever felt like driving off a cliff, seriously?
There aren't really any cliffs around, honestly.

[29] Have you ever contemplated suicide?
Not recently.

[30] Do you scratch your ears?
If they itch.

[31] Who was the last person to hug you?
My Mama.

[32] What brand are the pant/jeans you're wearing right now?
I'm too lazy to turn around to look at the tag.

[33] How tall are you?
Approximately 5'3".

[34] What is the closest green object?
My TI-83 calculator. Or my T-mobile phone. I like green. ^^

[35] What is on your feet?
Nothing. It was a really beautiful day. Grass feels good under my toes. Mmm...

[36] If you were born the opposite sex, what would your parents name you?
Joshua. Or Caleb. Thank goodness I was a girl. O.o;;

[37] If you could go back to any time period when would it be?
19th Century Europe. Damn straight.

[38] Do you want to have kids?
Not on your life.

[39] What is the brightest color you're wearing?
Bluuuue.

[40] Who is the friend you have that you would never have thought you'd have?
Umm...I don't have many friends to begin with, and the ones I have I sort of expected to have. Haha.

[41] Who do you hate the most right now?
Hate is a strong word. See #23 and #27.

[42] Whats your mother's middle name?
Ann

[43] What kind of car do you want?
Volkswagon Golf. Yeeeeah. I'm that cool.

[44] What is your favourite video game?
The Hobbit for PS2.

[45] Do you like your dad?
Nope.

[46] Do you have any TV shows on DVD?
Avatar: The Last Airbender. Hahaha.

[47] Are you wearing make up?
Nah. Too lazy.

[48] Do you have a tattoo?
Nope.

[49] Have you ever broken a pinata?
...Not that I can recall. It's a possibility.

[50] What time is it right now?
8:10 PM.

[51] Do you know how to draw?
Aren't you looking at my deviantart page?? NO.

[52] Who loves orange soda?
I doooo!

[53] Who is your hero?
My friend Nya, who is like a big sister to me.

[54] Who did you last IM?
Nya.

[55] Do you work a lot of hours?
I did...but now I'm out of a job due to an altercation with my boss. See #23, #27, and #41.

[56] Where were you 24 hours ago?
At my friend Samantha's house watching The Dark Knight with her and her boyfriend.

[57] Who was the last person that called you?
Samantha.

[58] Is there anything you regret?
See #23, #27, #41, and #55.

[59] Do you know where your family name originated from?
Portugal, so I've been told.

[60] Animal that creeps you out?
Insects of any kind.

1. I hate telling people intimate things about myself. I guess I'll make the exception for this list.

2. When I was younger and had to do something I didn't want to do, I would pretend it was a task for some great king and that the fate of the world rested in my hands.

3. My mood is easily changeable depending on what kind of music I'm listening to.

4. My younger brother is one of my best friends, and I don't let him know it nearly enough.

5. I don't appreciate the good friends I have.

6. For years, up until very recently, I thought that fairy tales really did come true.

7. I feel as though I've thoroughly wasted the first 18 years of my life.

8. I like to suck lemons from the inside out. O.o;; It's true.

9. The lack of justice in the world continues to surprise me, despite the fact that I've seen it in action probably since I was a very small child. I guess someday it will sink in.

10. I don't go to church anymore, and sometimes when something really good happens to me and I know it must have been the work of God, I feel really awful about it.

11. Even though it is usually misplaced, I refuse not to give people the benefit of the doubt.

12. I feel like I've missed a lot of opportunities over the years to forge some really great relationships, all because I was holding out for something better.

13. I don't like college. :/

14. When I go to bed at night, I love having some soothing background noise to listen to, like the rain or a distant fog horn or the chirping of crickets.

15. I often spend my free time doing things that I pretend are important so that I don't feel like I'm wasting my time.

16. I am extremely frugal with my money and have saved a good amount over the last few years, but I'm always complaining about not having any money.

17. I don't like being alone for any length of time.

18. When people ask me to hang out with them, a lot of times I make up excuses as to why I can't. I don't know why.

19. I know I should exercise more, but I can't stand the idea of being one of those people you see out running every morning. Haha.

20. I've always felt as though nature contains some of the magic that I was supposed to stop believing in years ago.

21. I like to think of myself as knowledgeable, until I meet someone who really is and then I realize that I have no idea what I'm talking about.

22. If I don't get to travel to at least three or four foreign countries before I die, I will leave this world a miserable soul.

23. I get very confused between what I want and what other people tell me I should want. Sometimes I wish they would have the decency to give me the space to make my own decisions.

24. I am attracted to short guys. A few inches taller than me is perfect.

25. I know that there are a few people who will get this note who already knew all these things about me. I love you guys. <3

I can't believe how long it's been since I last updated my journal, and so much has come to pass in the time that has gone by. On August 11th of last year, at 2:00 in the morning, one of my most fervent dreams came true. I got a chance with the man of my dreams. He was my boss, which I knew was a bad idea, and he was twice my age, which was a worse one. But I had known him for two and a half years, and I had undeniably fallen for him, with his charm, his handsome looks, and his humorous and flirtatious nature. So when he offered to meet me in a movie theatre parking lot at 2:00 AM, I was a little hesitant, but instinct drove me to meet him anyway. We met, and for about an hour we chatted about nonsense. Finally, he said to me, "I really want to kiss you, Kay. I'm really attracted to you, Kay." I didn't know what to say, but I must have said something. He kissed me--my very first--and I thought I would just melt.

Over the next couple of weeks, things were awkward at work, needless to say. But I loved it. It was like we had our own little secret, and no one else needed to know. Every time we met, I felt like I was in heaven. I had fallen in love, and--beyond all hope!--he seemed to love me, too! But as time progressed and the weeks became months, he seemed slowly but steadily to lose interest--at least in the things that I yearned for so badly that it hurt. He enjoyed meeting me in my car for make-out sessions, but he didn't want to meet my parents or go to dinner or sit and just talk. I began to wonder what I had gotten myself into, and so finally I asked him if he really cared about me or if he was only interested in physical gratification.

His answer was not the one I wanted. But it was honest. And I had to accept the fact that he was a grown man, and he could decide what kind of relationships he wanted to share with the people in his life. I can't say I wasn't hurt and deeply disappointed, but I fully believed that in a few years, when I was older, we could try again and maybe he would be able to see me as a woman instead of a girl caught in the midst of growing up. Maybe he would see me as a woman he wanted to spend the rest of his life with.

Today is January 24th. Three days ago, on January 21st, I discovered that for three and a half years now, he has been seeing a friend of mine, who also used to work with the both of us. Not only this, but he was still seeing her WHILE he began seeing me back in August. I thought my heart had shattered into a million pieces. After all the flirting and after my unbelievable hope that I might actually get a chance at the impossible romance with the man I loved, it all came down to him getting bored with his on-and-off girlfriend and cheating on her with me. Not only that, but when the girlfriend confronted him, he denied ever being involved with me in any way. Said that it was bullshit. That I was dreaming.

I wanted to die, to just crawl into a hole to be forgotten. My mom has always told me that everything happens for a reason, but how could this have been God's intention? Why had the man that I trusted with such blind and loving faith deceived me just to try to get some cheap sexual thrill out of me?

As usual, the answer--and my peace of mind--came to me in the form of a song:


Just the other night,
At a hometown football game,
My wife and I ran into
My old high school fling.

And as I introduced them,
The past came back to me,
And I couldn't help but think of
The way things used to be...

She was the one
That I'd wanted for all time,
And each night I'd spend praying
That God would make her mine

And if he'd only grant me
This wish I'd wished back then,
I'd never ask
For anything again...

Sometimes I thank God
For unanswered prayers.
Remember when you're talking
To the Man upstairs,
That just because he doesn't answer
Doesn't mean he don't care.
Some of God's greatest gifts
Are unanswered prayers.

She wasn't quite the angel
That I remembered in my dreams,
And I could tell that time had changed me
In her eyes, too, it seemed.

We tried to talk about the old days.
There wasn't much we could recall.
I guess the lord knows what he's doing
After all...

And as she looked away,
Well I looked at my wife,
And then and there I thanked the good Lord
For the gifts in my life.

Sometimes I thank God
For unanswered prayers.
Remember when you're talking
To the Man upstairs
That just because he may not answer
Doesn't mean he don't care
Some of God's greatest gifts
Are unanswered prayers...


Somewhere out there, someone is waiting for me to find him... Hoping and praying for his prayers to be answered, too. There just has to be. And someday...someday...I'll find him.

It's only a matter of time.

<3

~Kay

Summer once again, only this time it is different. This time, there is no promise of high school bells ringing for me again in the autumn. I have graduated. How very bizarre.

I wish I had something to do besides work 40 hours a week trying to earn money I'm sure I'll need eventually, sit around my house like a useless accumulation of matter, and stare at my ceiling when I attempt to fall asleep at 1:00 AM. I've been trying to get back into my fanfiction, and that seems to be working...sorta. Reading "The Children of Húrin" is providing some inspiration, and the wonderful art of Merlkir [link] is providing the rest. Hopefully my fans at FanFiction.Net will see some progress from me soon.

I almost wish that I could convince myself to join another online role-playing club or start obsessively playing some video game, but I fear to become too involved, lest I lose all free time come September when I enter college. I'll be enrolled in a total of six classes, and I am sure they will all demand my focus.

Oh well. Thanks for listening to me ramble, if anyone even read this.

Namarië,

~Chrysbane

PS - If you want to know what "Aurë entuluva" means, you should read "The Silmarillion," or "The Children of Húrin."

I am so over this "high school" thing. Doesn't it ever end?! Sure, the school year's halfway done now, but I still feel like I'm being crushed slowly under the oppressive thumb of administrative tyrants. I made the mistake the other day of making a list of things I've been procrastinating on.

Bad idea.

Apparently there are, oh, twenty or so things that I have to do within the next two or three weeks, all of which (naturally) require actual mental effort on my part. I AM LOSING MY MIIIND!! Gahh!

So if I haven't uploaded any new pictures in a while, that's why. I'm actually working on one right now that I hope to finish soon and get up on deviantart, but homework takes precedence, unfortunately. So if my beloved friends on deviantart have felt neglected or unloved, I tell you now that that is not the case at all.

Well, maybe for Azurith...but nobody else. *wink*

So wish me luck, and hopefully I will come out of high school alive! Until then, my friends! I will see you when I have turned eighteen, in April!

Au revoir, mes amis! Je vous verrai quand j'aurai eu dix-huit ans, en avril!

Ciao, i miei amici! Vi vado vedere quando ho diciotto anni, in aprile!